When was the last time that you talked about death? You have probably shared a few sentences, did you know such and such died, isn’t that sad, it isn’t fair, they were so nice. But when was the last time that you had an actual conversation, extending beyond a few perfunctory sentences? This could either be a conversation about your own death, or someone you know.
We don’t talk about death
While other cultures have well developed traditions around death in Australia we rarely talk about it, and then when a person dies we attend an awkward funeral ceremony and then probably don’t check in on the family more than once or twice to see how they are doing.
As an Estates lawyer I often hear stories from grieving families about this, how they are expected to be “back to normal” and functioning at 100% a week, or weeks after the death of a very close person. We don’t prepare for it, and we are surprised when others don’t bounce back quickly from the grief of losing someone.
This makes it very difficult when you are going through it for two reasons, firstly the deceased person probably didn’t talk to you about their own death. They probably told their lawyer that “my family knows what I want” but only said one or two sentences to you about it. Secondly, and in conjunction with the first point, there are dozens of decisions to be made by the family, and hundreds of decisions to be made by the Executor, in a vacuum where generally people don’t talk about it. This means you aren’t really prepared for the sheer volume of things that you are about to have to do, because even though you know people who have been through it they don’t talk about it. It also means that you might struggle to figure out what the deceased person would have wanted, and indeed the deceased person themselves probably never realised how many decisions you would be making in their absence.
The Executor
The Executor has to deal with the funeral. Even if the Executor knows what is involved, and has dealt with something like this before, you can assume that at least some of the immediate family and “helpful” friends do not understand how difficult this is. For instance, the Executor needs to make decisions about -
Clothes - the clothes that the deceased person will be buried or cremated in
Jewellery - is the deceased person going to be buried with their wedding ring, or will that be given to someone, and if so who?
Announcement - where and when will the announcement be made, will it be made in the paper and then directly to affected people by telephone or text, or will it also be made online and on social media?
Who - who will be named in the announcement? The spouse plus “children”, will the children also be named, will the grandchildren be mentioned? What about the spouses of children?
Where - where will the funeral be, is all of the family located in one suburb and if not then where should the funeral be held? Did the deceased grow up in a different place to where they died, and want to have a funeral there instead?
Photos - which photos will be included in the slide show at the funeral? I can tell you that I have heard many complaints about who was, or was not included, and how often individuals were included v other individuals.
Coffin and flowers - what sort of money did the deceased person want spent on their coffin or flowers? There will be conflicted pressure to not waste money that is going to the beneficiaries, but to also “give your loved one the best” by giving them the best coffin at the top of your budget.
Songs and readings - what songs and readings will be included can be tricky, particularly if you are not religious. Most funeral ceremonies have songs and readings. Also should there be an MC of sorts, if it isn’t a minister then who? Someone from the funeral home? A particular relative?
Will there be a separate ceremony at the burial site or at the cremation and if so, who is invited to that?
Will there be a separate wake? Will there be food at both the wake and the ceremony?
Just the beginning
These are not all of the questions that the Executor must answer, and this is just the beginning. There are so many other decisions that need to be made, and at least some of the immediate family or primary beneficiaries will not actually realise just how long and complex this is. They don’t realise how long and complex this is because nobody has talked to them about it. People who are grieving are not exactly in an ideal place to suddenly learn a whole bunch of new information.
As an Estates lawyer I wish that people talked about death more often, I really do, it is a dead set certainty. Of all the things that we plan for in life it makes the most sense to plan for death. However, I cannot really change that. What I can do is warn the people in my circle that it is hard, and it is a steep learning curve. Knowing that it will be hard and a steep learning curve I encourage people to take planning for death seriously, rather than treating it as something simple.
If you would like to sign up for my newsletter (which you can do here) then I will cover some of the things that you could be thinking about and planning for to make things easier for your family. I appreciate that planning for death is overwhelming and you may not know where to start. If you are not ready to start with a complete Estate Plan then starting with small tips in my newsletter is better than doing nothing at all. If you are ready to start with a complete Estate Plan then you can book a free, 15 minute “Quick Chat” with me on the phone (click here) to discuss what you will need and what the next steps are.